Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Journey Begins

This is an entry I made over a week ago and just now felt like I could put it "out here" for anyone to read. This is a huge deal for me! I have made many more steps in the right direction since this and I will post my progress after I finish this post.

I can't even begin to talk about the emotional pain I am in. It is real pain. It really hurts to be obese... hurts emotionally as well. Hurts to move on. Why can't I just move on? I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable. I am powerless over my emotions and my life has become unmanageable. I am powerless over everything and my life is a big gigantic pit of hopelessness and helplessness. There should be so much more to my life and yet I don't let it develop.

I feel I am on the verge of changing and I do not know how to get to the other side. Here I am, a huge wall in front of me and I am jumping, trying to see over it, can't.... The steps are right next to me and I can't reach them either. Something inside of me won't let me go another step further. What is it? Why? And is the answer finding out why? Or is the answer something else along the way???

And here I am feeling really vulnerable because I said "Here everyone read my blog" and then I realize that I should not hide this from the world or from everyone.... If I am going to get well then I need to be honest. And if people don't want to read my journey then they don't have to.

Honestly I hate what I have done with my life. But you know what? It was only a few months ago that I completely loved my life. I had reservations about where it was going, but I was happy. Insert job into that blank ... That was the only difference.

spiraling down because of lack of employment is common for me. The truth is that it is a big trap... Stupid. I have so much to do here that it is not even funny. There is a solution to that.

the other thing is that I need to quit shadow boxing. Is this really productive? Spending all this time navel gazing? *rolls eyes*

Oh My God, I have made myself vulnerable. That is the WORST.

I know that if I take those steps to get over this wall that there is a new life on the other side of it and I am so comfortable in my uncomfortable-ness that I do not want to see.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

this is insane... My life is insane and going 'round and 'round is not getting me anywhere. A dog only can chase its own tail for so long.... A dog has sense to give up. They do when it ceases to be fun. A human keeps doing it until they are in so much pain that they have no other choice but stop.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

How can something that sounds so easy be so hard. I drag myself and my will along, kicking and screaming to the His alter and give it to Him. I can't do it. I can't make it in this world with out You. I need You. I envision myself on my knees with my head in His lap.

I am still clueless to what is "wrong" with me... But maybe there is hope and maybe I can get over that damn wall... Maybe the whole trick is that He needs to give me the boost over, like a Father helping a child up on a horse.

Outside I can hear the mourning dove coo.

Why I feel so much like I need to put this out there on my blog... I don't know. All I know is that I need to be honest about where I am and where I am going if I am going to make it.

The good news is that I found at least one of my walking shoes. The socks are in the washer. Things are looking better all ready. I have been so frozen lately... Frozen in action... I did not know I was playing freeze tag. Luckily my Savior ran and touched me and now perhaps I can move on.

Do I really have to post this? OK... I will... But it will stay saved as a "draft" for a few days until I can get brave. What if someone reads it? What will they think? What will they say? I REALLY HATE BEING VULNERABLE. But I also know that my honesty will set me free.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I've Committed....

...or should I be COMMITTED?

I was hedging about starting to walk again after my tendonitis. I miss walking, I really do. But I just could not get back into it. So I made a plea to my online community for pledges to help me with my entrance fee for the Mayors Walk 10K and I had three really great friends come through :) and one "IRL" friend. {if you have met computer friends IRL doesn't that make them IRL friends? then it would be 4 IRL friends. HA!} anyhoo... So I am committed and can't get out of it now.

heh heh heh

:::: shreeks and hides ::::

see... my emotions are all over the place.

So I have been going over training plans, trying to fix one that fits me and the fact I have 14 weeks to get ready to be able to walk 6.2 miles. This has taken the focus off of the fact that I am going on my first real hike tomorrow! WOOT!

I am freaking out all ready. "I won't be able to do this" "how am I going to cross train/strengthen train" etc. Good ol' perfectionism setting in. My worst enemy/constant companion. Gee Tinkerbell, did you have to sew THAT shadow back on to me?????

I have a 5K under my belt so I know that this goes with the territory... Sheer terror!
My stomach is rebelling on me!

It is only 6.2 miles.
I can do this
I know I can
Maybe this time I will want a cheering section at the finish line.... Definitely someone to drive me up there. I think Moe will fit the bill. She was disappointed that she was not there for the 5K. But that was all about me and me alone. And God. Can't forget Him.

I can do this...
I can do this...

And tonight I start with a 30 minute walk.

Woweeeee.... October 1st is just around the corner....

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

doggy dash update

whew! It is June all ready and I have not had an update in forever.

Well we did not finish the doggy dash. I did almost a mile when my hip really started to bother me, that is when I realized how much Boom was pulling on me. I got to where I could barely walk, so I got off the course when I could, walked it out a bit, and then we walked around some, picked up our free-bee packet and I realized that I should try and finish. Well, by that time they were closing it down and I was out of luck. So we went to Portland Saturday Market and looked around until I had far too much of the crowds and excess noise and we walked to the parking garage and went home. I know I walked more than 2 miles that day, so I am calling it "good" since it was not a timed event.

I figure this for next year: We will go early and walk first thing before the crowds get there and then we can take our time and really enjoy it instead of being part of this huge crowd. It just does not settle too well with me. Too much! :)